How do you like your eggs?

You'd think a simple lunch of beans on toast would be easy, right? WRONG! The Boy offered to make me beans on toast and was rather taken aback by my specific instructions. 1) toast two slices of Hovis Wholemeal medium bread 2) heat up the beans in a pan, not the microwave. There must be enough to cover one slice of toast, not too much bean-juice and the beans must NOT be overflowing over the sides of the toast. 3) do not butter the toast intended for the beans. 4) fry an egg in fry-light low fat cooking spray. The white must be set, the yolk must be runny. 5) butter the toast intended for the egg. 6) put the egg on the toast yoke-side-down. 7) serve to a happy panda. There. That's not too difficult, is it?

Keep yer gob shut!

In the cinema I DO NOT want to hear your opinion. I don't care if you've just figured out whodunit and I don't care if you've just realised what the twist is/was/going to be.

I like to be stupid in the cinema. I like to turn my brain off and let it happen. I like to be led, like a dumbo, to the twist. I like to fall for it. The plot-twist is there for a reason and I kinda like the feeling of "What?! I didn't see THAT coming!".

And another thing. Don't even inhale in a gasp, point your finger skyward and say "aha!" if you DO figure it out. Cos that skyward-pointing finger is actually an antenna. I will, unbeknownst to you, immediately know what you're thinking because your finger-brain transmission will beam it into MY brain and I WILL be asking YOU for my £7.60 back. Keep your gob shut. I don't care how clever you are.

Thanks. Enjoy the film.

The Perfect Breakfast(s)

Weekend breakfasts are my favourite. You're not in a rush, you're a little bit more awake and happier (cos you don't have work to go to!)
My favourite breakfasts are:

1) Smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on toast.

Two slices of white toast, buttered, strips of smoked salmon on top then still-slightly-runny scrambled egg on top (preferably made in the microwave with a splash of milk or cream). A classic.

2) Pancakes

Thick American-style warm pancakes, drizzled with maple syrup, with sliced strawberries on the side. Glass of orange juice (with bits) and coffee too!

3) Cereal (if nowt else in!) & toast

Bran flakes, sweetened soya-milk, with half a sliced banana and strawberries on top. Now the toast. THIS is the important bit. 2 slices from a white unsliced loaf, toasted golden brown, buttered (best butter and to the edges!) immediately, sliced into halves, eaten straight away!

Turn that frown upside down....

Ways to instantly cheer me up:
1) Robinson's ice-cream shop in Leyland - small vanilla cone with bits and sauce and a flake, please! Om nom!
2) Macmillans in Penwortham - full of gorgeous stuff, presents, cards, jewellery! Pretty things!!
3) Rivington - drive up to Rivi with the windows down, music on loud, park up and look over the towns below, stand by the water and admire the views, fresh air, heaven!
4) Tea & biscuits - Earl Grey tea brewed in a pot, big cup, custard creams, om nom.
5) Cream Tea - it's ALWAYS the perfect season for scones! Big, fat fruit scones, best butter, then raspberry jam, then clotted cream. This will cheer me up INSTANTLY!

Quick....change the channel!!

For reasons I cannot explain, the theme tune to the Channel 4 News at 7 o'clock strikes fear into my very core. It's irrational, not even likely to be associated with some deep-rooted fear of John Snow, but if that theme tune starts, for the love of Jaffa cakes change that channel. If you can't reach the remote, fear the batteries may have failed, or you aren't in your own home with sufficient demands to be made either a) clear an immediate path to the exit, or b) cover my ears, shout "bomb" and get down!

Magazine monopoly.

Don't read my magazines until I've finished reading them. Even if I've read the first few pages you cannot pick it up, flick through it or even glance at it unless I've announced, most likely in the style of a town-cryer, that I have finished with it.